question o' the day

would you date yourself?

dream a little dream of me

dreams of gorgonzola cheese and blueberries. very specific, i needed it for a picnic. everywhere i went, all the grocery stores were out of good cheese. and what's with the blueberries? it wasn't fresh blueberries, it was something more along the lines of blueberry pie filling. a hunk of gorgonzola with blueberry drizzle. this was my mission. this was my dream. hunting, gathering - what the frak, right? that can't possibly taste any good. i'm curious though...

hmm

"oh kitty. this television show makes me happier than... a lot of things - and that's scary."

whoa there cowgirl

oh man. sometimes i have quite the temper. this one girl triggers it more than anyone else i know. i could go into it, explain why what she says bothers me so much, but that isn't the point. the point is that there is a way i could have responded better instead of just telling her to "shut the fuck up." it doesn't make sense to her why i am angry or hurt by what she says - it just delivers an angry verbal slap without explanation and leaves both parties feeling wounded.

yet it's odd to me how i am more disappointed in myself than i am in her, as though i was the one that did something wrong. there is nothing that i can do when someone else speaks out of turn, but everything i can do to adjust my behavior in order to make up for their mistakes. this sickens me - why do i have to be the one modify my way of thinking to make things all better again when i didn't even start this shit in the first place?

i'm very tired from a day at the beach, and a bit too sunburned despite my best efforts to apply spf 50 sport on a regular basis. damn pale freckled skin, i just can't win.

critique

i just had three friends that i went to grad school with critique my portfolio, and it was harsh. not that i don't appreciate it, but it makes me realize all the more how much better this thing could be. more pressure to perform. i know i could spend $100 on a fancy portfolio binder, i know i could spend three weeks formatting it into a custom book that flips up in a fancy way like my old portfolio did. i know i know i know. i just don't have time, or money, or energy, or will left. i just want to go to the beach tomorrow and relax. i just want to relax a little, so i can stop waking up at random hours and feeling like i'm constantly strung out.

it'll be good though. i know it can. there are ways that the layout can get better and i have many ideas after this discussion. it's like being back in school again, some of the toughest critics ripping you apart so you can put yourself back together, only a better version of you this time around. hearing things like "who do you want to tailor this portfolio to" and "what type of job are you trying to get" and "i wouldn't hire you with that image, interview over" really make me question myself. some things i am certain about, others i am not. i know that image is there for a reason - it represents me, my personality. if the person hiring me doesn't understand what goes into that image, then i don't want to work for them. yet the other things... where do i want to go, what do i want to do, what am i trying to show... those are harder to answer because they are questions about myself and my future that i have not yet figured out.

i'm going to watch more of matt dancing like an idiot around the world. dancing badly is something that makes me laugh and feel better, a release of all seriousness through every single part of my body. i know that even though he's doing something completely silly, at least he's going somewhere and taking it to the next level.

on a side note - i realize my blog has become more about architecture and my job. i promise to get back to whining about boys and other frivolous depressing topics in due time.

quote of the day

"everytime i look at this project, i'm going to be thinking of dead bodies in freezers."

midnight bike ride home from work

construction work, trash collectors, street sweepers, drunks aplenty, potholes hidden in shadows, flashing lights, contacts blur, neck aching, muscles sore.

been working on the portfolio some more. almost done with the rough draft. sometimes i get so pleased with myself, but then i'm dragged back down because there are also little nagging things where i know there are a few things just not up to par - no consist layout or margins or theme to carry through the book, certain perspectives could have better shading or more detail, the fonts all need to be changed to a lighter shade of grey. these are the things that wake me up at 4am, my mind racing unable to let go of the list of things that need to get done. i've forgotten that when i put my mind to it, i get obsessive to the point of 48 hour work cycles, cramped wrists, tired eyes and aching back. it's different when i'm not in school though - having to sit through an eight hour work day when i could be working on my own stuff is difficult.

when i find a moment for release i've been watching episodes of battlestar galactica. i wasn't expecting the show to be so amazing. now it's an addiction that just won't quit, at least not until i've caught up to season 4. so this is why i'm awake til 2am, because i have to know what happens next.

there hasn't been much else lately for me. i have decided that july and august are months to not spend money as i've dug myself into debt yet again. by not spend money, i really mean it - no going out, no meeting up for drinks, no eating out, eating only what is in the fridge until all of it is gone. it's not very social - and it kind of sucks because that's what this city is all about - but what other solutions are there? the alternatives aren't bad. a pile of books to read, a bike to ride, and a never ending universe through the internet and dvds to keep me company.

i guess i should sleep. i'm so wired i can't begin to calm down. so until i wake up at 4am again, i bid you good night.